December 6, 2011

99 Problems

The best thing about surrounding yourself with people who are super neat is that they often have friends who are super neat as well.

Kare's friend from college, Leib, and his girlfriend, Badu, came to visit over Thanksgiving weekend from California. We shared so many personality traits among the four of us that it was like looking into a mirror. They have an open relationship (though, I'm not entirely clear on the terms) and they propositioned me and Kare. While I am very interested in pursuing a FWB situation with them, neither Kare nor I accepted their offer... for now.

A couple of months ago, when I decided to start dating again, I sparked up a conversation on a dating site with Sam. While my relationship with her has been entirely platonic (though, very productive! We have been organizing a sorely needed poly meetup for our area), I think she's pretty awesome. She's witty, intellectual and nerdy (my trifecta!). She's a very opinionated, activist type and I find her absolutely fascinating. Her parents were true hippies and she describes her childhood as a cross of co-op living and utilitarian survival training. She can literally fashion a bow (for an arrow) out of a seat belt and start a fire with a car battery, come the Zombie Apocalypse. Yeah, she's super neat.

Then there's Spud. He's new to the local kink community and he and I clicked right away. He's kind of quiet and shy and socially awkward - an artistic type - and I dig all of these things about him. Ever since he found out that I am poly, he's been paying little compliments and chatting me up. It's too soon to tell if he's flirting or not but I am absolutely tickled by his attention.

I expected to wait months - maybe even years! - to meet others I'd be interested in dating and vice versa. I'm a bit stunned at my Luck.

She must be a Lady.

November 28, 2011


There's an interesting discussion in Poly & Kinky over on FetLife entitled Deal breakers? asking other polys what they would consider unacceptable in prospective and current partners, which has prompted me to share my thoughts on some of the deal breakers listed in the thread (in no particular order):

"I am looking for someone who completes me." I want to date a whole person, not a half of one - nor do I want to date someone looking for zir soul mate or THE one. I have come to find that I am incompatible for those who consider themselves incomplete without a partner.

Cheaters. Sometimes the cheater likes to dress it up with how zir current partner doesn't understand zir 'poly nature' - but cheating is cheating is cheating. Rather than trying to see if they can work towards opening the relationship together, zie decides that their partner's feelings are irrelevant. Yeah good luck with that, bitch, but I'm not the one.

"I have a high sex drive too, so I can understand why you want multiple partners" or "Open relationship? Oh sure, I'm cool with keeping things casual" or "Were poly, there's no such thing as cheating." Poly and commitment are not mutually exclusive. Anyone with this view of poly has a fundamentally different outlook on it than I do and shows that we would be incompatible in a relationship.

"We only date as a couple." I am thinking of making this an entry unto itself because I could rant a novel on the subject, but I'll keep it simple here. Since I believe a relationship is between TWO people no matter how many are romantically involved, I will not date a couple. I will date two people that happen to already be a couple, but I do not date those that structure their poly as 2+1. Not only is it a disservice to the third by not allowing the third to form zir own individual relationships, those that structure their poly this way tend to have unreasonable requirements for said third (in the poly community, they're known as Unicorn Hunters). For example, the couple often demand that this polyamorous third not date any one else or they expect the third to have ONE equal emotional response to the TWO of them. If one partner in the couple feels this agreement has been breached, the offended partner can end zir relationship with the third AND zir partner's relationship with the third (also known as 'veto power'). I don't see any benefit as the third in this type of relationship.

"You can date other women, but not other men." I would never agree to an OPP (One Penis/Pussy Policy) and am also thinking about making this a post on it's own. I have heard about this working in the poly relationships of others, but I have yet to hear a reason for implementing this rule that wasn't: a) selfish b) based on sexist ideology c) that wasn't about avoiding an insecurity rather than confronting it.

Anything that involves keeping secrets from anyone's partners. As expressed in my entry School of the Hard Knocks, this was an ugly one for me to learn and I still have all of the knocks to prove it. I didn't think I would have to ask a partner not to put me in a position that would compromise my relationship with the other partner. Now, I set this boundary upfront to avoid similar unpleasant surprises.

Needs to have relationship maintenance talks nearly every day. I'm all about communication in a relationship but unless we're dealing with a crisis or some other major event, maintenance every. single. day. is overkill. Husband associated conflict with progress and would often create conflict to facilitate (what he perceived to be) progress. I let him know early on that I couldn't spend two hours rehashing fairly inconsequential shit EVERY DAY because I found it to be tedious and draining.

A history of unstable, volatile relationships or seeking other relationships when your relationship is unhealthy. You can get an idea of what kind of partner someone will be and how you will be treated by looking at how zie handle zir past/current relationships and partners.

Trying to talk me out of current relationships. A person that tries to breakup an existing relationship in the attempt to have the attached partner all to themselves is termed a cowboy/cowgirl. Anyone that tries to 'take me' from a partner has a different idea of poly than I do and shows that we are not compatible.

Someone being attached to a belief about how I feel despite being told otherwise. Husband also had a habit of doing this - though never towards me, only towards Wife. (I never understood why he took me at my word but not her, considering she was always more upfront about her feelings than me.) He acted based on what he believed she felt rather than what she expressed about how she felt. It was very strange and frustrating (and is partly how he justified many of his lies and manipulations of her).

Poly personal ads that read like job postings. I've never understood in the poly (or kink) community why people who are looking for someone to love include that this person must also be willing to help clean up around the house, pitch in with the kids they have from a previous relationship, and is expected to be available for kinky sex involving additional partners. When I was monogamous, I never saw an ad open with these things so I don't understand why people believe "I want a house cleaner, a nanny, and a sex slave" is an attractive offer to a poly partner.

November 16, 2011

My Poly

To help me identify what I need to get out of a relationship and what I'm willing to invest into a relationship, I have found the Polyamory Compatibility Questionnaire to be a useful tool in helping articulate my ideals. However, I am careful not to let my ideals dictate my decisions since ideals are generally unrealistic in that they are one-sided and exacting. So instead of trying to force my relationship to fit my ideals, I determine where my ideals fit into the relationship (through negotiation), including where I'm willing to compromise and where I am not. (And I highly recommend everyone check out the questionnaire! It can be a great tool for monogamous relationships, if you disregard the questions directly related to poly.)

I have two goals for detailing my style of poly here:

1. For my convenience. Since the PCQ is quite long and involved, having my answers summarized is handy. (Though, the summary is fairly long and involved as well. You've been warned. lol)
2. I realize that my relationship choices are unconventional and not necessarily common knowledge. Hopefully, this will give my f-list a better understanding of what I mean when I say I'm polyamorous.

What follows is more thoroughly explained in my PCQ answers. For brevity's sake, I can't include all of it here and so some of the context may not be clear. If there are any questions, I'm happy to answer them.

These are my preferences and not how every poly relationship works and blah blah blah.

November 9, 2011


It's been a while since I last posted and that is for two reasons:

1) I always get depressed during Fall/Winter because it is when I lost my father to a violent crime. I was nine years old and a witness to it (as were my three younger siblings). While I rarely think about it and have addressed it in therapy, it still manages to affect me every. single. year.

2) Wife contacted me and, although it went better than could be expected and has provided some closure, it has still been difficult on me emotionally and has no doubt been exacerbated by the time of year. To be brief, she told me that she felt betrayed by the two people she loved most and that she doesn't want any contact from me. She said that she hoped her feelings would change in the future, but that this is where she is right now. She hugged me, kissed me, and told me that she loved me. I expressed my remorse (again) and gave her my support. Then we parted ways... possibly forever, but I certainly hope not.

I have been fairly withdrawn for the last month and a half and have been forcing myself to (minimally) interact with the world around me so that I don't enter the death-spiral that is depression. I often liken my experience with depression as being stranded in the water. I can either swim to shore, tread water, or drown. I feel like I have been treading water and now it's time to start swimming.

I hope to see land soon.

October 19, 2011


Kare was always supportive of the time Wife and I spent together. Once, I remember Wife unexpectedly showed up at an event. He made it a point to give us space and let us spend that entire time together, without me even asking. During the evening, I went to check on him to make sure he wasn't feeling neglected. After assuring me that he was fine and having a good time with our friends, he damn near pushed me back over to Wife, reminding me that she and I rarely get time together and insisting that I take advantage of such an opportunity. Best. Boyfriend. Ever.

Kare identifies as monogamous. I am his first polyamorous partner. He and I started dating during the last six months of my year and a half relationship with Wife. By that time, she and I were only seeing each other about once a month due to schedule conflicts and my issues with Husband (Forgive Me, Girlfriend, For I Have Sinned). During that time, since Kare and I live very close to each other, we had the luxury of spending every day together and sleeping over every night. Our relationship was less affected than usual by my other relationship, which means we both had it easy.

Recently, I mentioned to Kare that I would eventually like to start dating again and what his feelings are regarding that. I explained that since the tail-end of my last relationship looked much different than the beginning (which he didn't experience), I needed to know what he was comfortable with during this process. While he believes he will be ok with it, he pointed out that he's never been in this position before and is uncertain of how he will actually react. Fair enough.

In the meantime, we were able to figure out a few things:

  • I informed him of how I structure my poly relationships and how I function within them (which I will share, in detail, in future entries), giving each of us the opportunity to share our preferences and voice our concerns.
  • He is unsure of whether he would want to pursue other relationships in the future. I am ok whether he does or not.
  • We agree to make each other aware of potential new partners before anything more sexual than kissing occurs or before we become significantly emotionally involved beyond friendship, whichever comes first.
  • We had another discussion on safer sex practices and what we expected from each other. Since we are fluid-bonded (and tested regularly), it is very important to both of us that these boundaries are clear to us and all future sexual partners.
  • I reminded him that it is each of our responsibility to let the other know where we are emotionally - both in our relationship and the relationships we have with others - and that it's important that we update each other regularly. (We're both really good at doing these things, but it never hurts to restate it during a period of transition.)
  • We agree that nothing is set in stone and that we can discuss (and possibly change) our agreements if needed.

I had many more questions for him (ie: veto power on potential new partners; or sleepovers with other partners) but since he is unsure of his needs/concerns regarding them, we agreed to address them as they arise. (This makes me slightly uncomfortable. I am much more proactive in my approach to these things and like to address them before they become problems, if possible. However, he prefers to deal with problems as they arise, particularly if he is inexperienced with the situation at hand. We often frustrate each other in this regard. I find that a healthy compromise is periodic status updates and honest communication. That way I'm not caught off-guard when something does become a problem and he doesn't have to guess at his reactions to hypotheticals.)

Time to roll those dice.

October 16, 2011

Cunning Linguist

To aid in the transition of taking my relationship from a non-D/s to a D/s with my boyfriend, I composed a list of questions regarding bdsm to make sure we have similar expectations and goals for such a relationship.

I figured the first step in this endeavor is to ensure that we are using the same language since it is not unusual for a word's meaning to differ from one person to the next. My first assignment for both of us is to define general roles within bdsm relationships. (Something I haven't done since I first started exploring bdsm 5 years ago, so it was interesting for me to compare and contrast now with then.)  Next, we will discuss the terms more thoroughly to make sure we are on the same page and/or find any compromises needed to get us on the same page, which may or may not be possible depending on our opinions. If we find that we are not compatible in a D/s, we agree to leave our relationship as it is since it has worked very well for us so far.

My definitions are below. (This is how I plan on presenting them to Kare so some of the verbiage may reflect that):

[Note: I realize there is more than one way to define these terms. These are my definitions and how I relate to them. They apply to no person's relationship(s) except my own.]

How do you define the general roles within bdsm?

multiple definitions separated with semi-colon ( ; )

Top/bottom - applies to kinksters giving/receiving (respectively) within a scene that contains little to no non-physcial power exchange, generally permissions do not extend outside of the scene ; a kinkster that enjoys giving/receiving during a scene but not outside of play ; used as a basic or general label for players

D-types  (Master/Domina/Owner/Daddy/etc. all are different titles for a D-type) - applies to Tops who desire the power exchange dynamic involved in dominance and submission ; exercises the negotiated amount of control within a power exchange that usually extends beyond a scene, the amount of control exercised covers a broad spectrum from minimal to Total Power Exchange (TPE) ; used as a general term for those that desire to exercise control in a power exchange

s-types (submissive/slave/pet/property/etc.) - applies to bottoms who desire the power exchange dynamic involved in dominance and submission ; relinquishes the negotiated amount of control within a power exchange that usually extends beyond a scene, the amount of control relinquished covers a broad spectrum from minimal to TPE ; used as a general term for those that desire to relinquish control in a power exchange

Switch - a kinkster whose role is fluid and can be comfortable as the D-type, s-type, Top, or bottom (whichever applies to the person)

Sadist/Masochist - enjoys giving/receiving pain (respectively) and does not refer to any type of power exchange, meaning either can manifest in D-types, s-types, Tops, or bottoms

Notice that I've lumped all D-types together and all s-types together. That is how I view the roles. Titles such as Master, Domina, Owner, etc are variations of the same role. For me, Dom/sub or Master/slave are relationship dynamics and are determined by the amount of power exchange present in the relationship. (Relationship dynamics are what I would like us to define next, but for now let‘s focus on the roles.) If you believe that Dominant or Master or submissive or slave, etc are distinct and should be defined on their own, by all means do that. It will offer insight into your view of the roles and will give us a more honest starting point in our search for common ground. There are no right or wrong answers here. However, I expect you to be able to present your definitions to me in clear and definitive terms as I have done.

Of course, a person's views are rarely ever static and these definitions may change for us over time, in which case, we can revisit them together.

Today, this is how I view these roles. What are your views today?

October 11, 2011

Warrior Submissive

In an attempt to loosely define what I want my D/s to look like with Kare, I've taken the last few months to intellectually explore female Dominant/male submissive relationships. (Kare is roughly pronounced Kah-reh. It is Japanese for boyfriend. I thought it a fitting nickname for him in my journal since he is half Japanese.)

On FetLife, I came across a lovely entry by Ladyservant titled Warrior Submissive. It is a perspective on male submission that has left an impression on me and is certain to influence my future D/s relationship.

Here it is, reposted with permission:

I've given a lot of though lately to what submission means to me, I actually don't like the word at all because at least for me it carries implied meanings which don't fit. However I haven't been able to come up with another word that works for communicating my intentions accurately. I've fought my submissiveness all my life not wanting to give into it for fear of losing my power. The idea of being disempowered and weak disgusts me. I've been a warrior most of my life which has included spending time in the military as a soldier, practicing martial arts and living a warrior based spirituality. That has always seemed to be in conflict with my deep reverence and irresistible desire to worship, serve and surrender to Women.

I began to resolve this conflict in the last few years cultivating a personal relationship with the Goddess or the Divine Feminine and seeing what I worship in Women is also something within me. However Women embody it in a way that I cannot (at least not in this life) and so serving and worshiping them is something that is beyond kinky play or pleasure (which is good ;), its true worship for me. The other thing I realized in this process is that I do not have to be weak or disempowered to be a submissive. Submissive is just a word, it doesn't have one single meaning for everyone.

For me the act of submitting to a Woman is as I said an act of worship. The prerequisite for submission in my life is that I live my life fearlessly, with courage and strength and even a fierceness. Its easy to get carried away with this attitude and have it be nothing but ego which wrecks ones life, just look at our society. The amazing thing is that when I come into contact with Women that are living as empowered dominant Goddesses, I am humbled. Their power and beauty and wisdom naturally make me fall to my knees in worship. Then serving them is a total act of joy. There is a particular power that Women carry which after everything I've seen and experienced in my life is the greatest power I can imagine. So submission is an act of empowerment and courage for me because when one is at their greatest strength the most fearless act just might be to surrender to a greater power. Women carry the power of life itself, the formless cradle of creation which has been called the Goddess among other things.

For me their is no greater act of a warrior than to serve the Goddess.

While I don't believe in Female Supremacy (or any type of supremacy based on gender, ethnicity, nationality, etc) as this article somewhat suggests, what I do like about it is the insight  into male submission. Many people - both outside and inside the kink community - tend to view male submissives as less than masculine. They are often portrayed as weak and insecure at best or incapable and pathetic at worst. It disgusts me that a man who would choose to submit is often assumed to be less of a man than his "alpha" counterparts.

This article dislodges those stigmas. This male submissive is a gentleman, a soldier, a protector and a provider. He is proud and functioning and capable. He is empowered through his submission and not ashamed to express the awe and respect he has for the deserving women around him.

I dig it.

October 5, 2011

Trading Places

I have been part of my local bdsm community for nearly 6 years and HAD identified as submissive that entire time. After leaving a D/s relationship that was wrong for me, I started dating a guy (we've been together 7 months) who has turned my kinky little world upside down! It is through him that I have discovered my joy for Topping.

I have always been more of the leader in our relationship and recently he confessed that he would like to enter into a more formal D/s relationship together (with me as the D-type), an idea that I am thrilled about! These roles are new to both of us (he's never been in a D/s relationship before) so we plan on tentatively taking steps to move the relationship in that direction.

I'm still transitioning and trying to redefine my role for myself and those around me. However, I am confused and unsure of myself in either role now and the whole damn thing can be frustrating.

I plan on carefully structuring the dynamic as we go along, which intially felt uncouth to me. However, after seeking advice from more experienced D-types, the general consensus seems to be that trial and error and communication are good ways to find out what works in the relationship... so my instincts have me headed in the right direction! Knowing this, I am slowly gaining more confidence in my approach. (Also, I now realize that when I was the s in the D/s, it didn't seem like such a blind (or scary) endeavor because I was following the D. I find this to be an interesting bit of insight.)

My reality is not quite your fantasy...

(Note: If you want to view the FetLife threads that I started on the topic, you can find them here: Education and Guidance of a Submissive ; Femdom Group ; ClubFem - Females Enslaving Males ; Training of a Dominant ; Ask a Dominant Questions ; BDSM mentors. There have been some very interesting comments shared if you care to have a look.)

September 25, 2011

Confess, That Ye May Be Healed

I wrote a letter.

On the very useful and insightful advice of several members on FetLife (see the discussions here and here ), I wrote a letter to Wife explaining that my withdrawal from our relationship over the past few months was not in response to anything she had done and that I had not been entirely truthful about my break-up with Husband. I expressed my remorse in lying to her and the reasons why I chose not to tell her. I stated my very strong, negative emotions towards him and that past interactions between him and I are the cause of it. I shared my decision to withhold the details unless she explicitly requested to hear them, which I would provide to her, alone and without Husband.

I told her my truth.

She has always wanted to hear the truth (and she always told the truth), even when it hurt. I informed her of the transgressions and how I believe his behavior is ongoing. I proclaimed my love for her but that my attitude towards her husband is so incredibly toxic that I can no longer be with her, both to give me time to heal and to avoid putting her in a more awkward position.

I disclosed until I had nothing left.

Very quietly, she listened. When she finally did speak, her voice sounded solemn and wearied, as though it endured a long and difficult journey from within her. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t tell me she loved me. She said she suspected as much and thanked me for telling her.

I feel lost.

I was expecting more of a reaction. I wanted more of a reaction. I wanted her to tell me how I hurt her or that I was courageous or to yell or cry or something, anything. But none of that happened.I gave her a lot to process and I feel terrible having to be the one to have done it, yet I don’t regret my decision.

I miss her.

She sent me a friend request from her new FetLife account. She has joined a group for divorcees. That’s the extent of our contact since the end of our relationship. I want to check on her to see if she’s ok and to offer my support but I’m not sure if it’ll do either of us any good.

I hurt for myself and I hurt for her.

September 22, 2011

School of the Hard Knocks

“Polyamory is a grad school relationship. It’s for grownups only. If you can’t yet bring yourself to communicate honestly with your partner about everything that goes wrong….and don’t wait too long after it goes wrong, and don’t lay on guilt when you bring it up, then don’t do it. Stay monogamous. Polyamory is not the place to work out your neuroses, any more than running a marathon is the best way to exercise your recently-broken and healing ankle.” - Raven Kaldera, The Polyamory Contract

Non-monogamous relationships are arguably one of the most difficult relationship structures to maintain and many lessons are learned (and often relearned) the hard way. Every emotional bump and bruise and scar is definitely earned. Here are some of my hard earned lessons in polyamory thus far:

Ask for what you want. I’ll repeat it a little slower. Ask. For. What. You. Want. I can't expect anyone to read my mind and just give it to me. As my aunt would say, a closed mouth don't get fed.

This is one of those lessons I’ve had to repeat many times before it stuck. (And truth be told, I‘m sometimes given a refresher course lol.) Because of the many ways in which this lesson manifests itself, it has had to be learned in it‘s numerous incarnations. For example, it can be difficult to ask for what I want if I feel it’s a silly request. I find that this reason often applies if I have a 'trivial' emotional want, ie: I know my partner loves me. He tells me that he loves me often. Though sometimes I ask to hear it. Small exercises like this have helped me in the grand scheme of things. It makes asking for what I want easier, no matter how ‘silly’ it may seem. (That’s not to say that I feel entitled and always get what I want. My boyfriend is a bit of smart ass and sometimes I’m met with answers like, “I loved you all day yesterday. I need a break today,” or, “Right now, I love college football. Try again later.”)

(For more reasons as to why we often don’t ask our partner(s) for what we want, read Ask For What You Want, a very insightful post by polyfulcrum.)

Don’t keep secrets between partners. This was an ugly one for me to learn and I still have all of the knocks to prove it.

Being romantically involved with two people who are also romantically involved with each other can be tricky. It gets trickier when one asks you to keep a transgression of theirs from the other. DON’T DO IT! Not only did I feel the guilt of keeping things from Partner B when it wasn’t even my secret to keep, I felt betrayed by Partner A for putting me in that position. The negative feelings intensified the longer it went on and the fall out of keeping the secret was much worse (for me the formerly innocent party, made accomplice) than just coming out with it.

I didn't think I would have to ask a partner not to put me in a position that would compromise my relationship with the other partner. Now, I set this boundary upfront to avoid any more unpleasant surprises like this.

Don’t be the mediator in your partners' relationship(s). It became emotionally draining for me to play that role in my partners' relationship. Going forward when put in this situation, at most I will provide a sympathetic ear without giving advice or taking sides. If the negativity of my partners becomes too much for me to even provide that, I say something like, “I’m sorry you two are having issues. Being put in the middle of your conflict makes me uncomfortable.You should talk to him/her about this.”

Credits towards my very own poly degree :p

September 18, 2011

Do Me, Baby

I began exploring female Dominant/male submissive forums a few weeks ago and I have come across MANY discussions lamenting the prevalence of male 'do me' subs. You know, the ones that present a list of things that they want to have done to them but nothing that really shows what they can do for the Domina?

The ‘do me’ label most certainly applies to some male subs. Specifically the ones that always attempt to steer the conversation back to their fetishes and what they want you to do to them. But I also think this label is all too often brandished about unfairly to a male sub that is simply stating (or listing) what he likes. On the flip side of that, I find it very interesting that in male Dominant/female submissive relationships, a fem sub is rarely - if ever! - ostracized for stating her list of interests upfront.

A large portion of male subs seem to be driven by their fantasy. The most clear example I can give is the business of pro Doms. I have heard from several female pros (which, when you break it down, generally work in fantasy fulfillment) that it's not uncommon for many of their clients to eventually want to serve the Domina outside of play. They offer to clean her home, wash her car, run her errands, etc expecting nothing in return except maybe her gratitude (and they STILL pay for future sessions). It seems that once some of the 'do me' subs find a woman who can fulfill their fantasies (a very intimate and important part of their being), they want to pamper and spoil her and make sure she is content.

However, many Dominas (non pro) expect a submissive to prove his desire to serve her. Her pleasure should be his motivation and any indulgences of his fantasies are to be earned. When she presents a list, she is not branded with something as negative as ‘do me’. Why isn’t she considered to be unreasonable when expecting to be catered to before indulging him in his fantasies?

While I believe there are those male subs that just want the fantasy (and obviously confusing 'bottom' for 'submissive'), lately, I have been considering if some of the frustration experienced on both sides may be the differing motives men and women have for relationships in general. (Initially, for men that tends to be the physical and for women the emotional.)

(Note: If you want to view the FetLife threads that I started on the topic, you can find them here: Dominant Women and subs/slaves who adore them ; FemDom Group ; Female Dominants and submissives who love them ; BDSM Theory . There have been some very interesting comments shared if you care to have a look.)

September 14, 2011

Your Silence Will Not Protect You

The title of this post is a quote by poet and LGBT activist, Audre Lorde. While this isn't exactly the context in which Lorde shared her words, they have resonated for me and my situation. 

 For many weeks I have wrestled with what to do about the things I have been keeping from Wife about her husband (Forgive Me, Girlfriend, For I Have Sinned). As I see it I have two options, each with their own sets of pros and cons:

Option #1

 End the relationship, offering vague excuses with some semblance of truth - ie: we are drifting apart, we don't have enough time together, etc. Although I don't feel this is fair to Wife (or my conscience), I believe it is the best chance I have for preserving our friendship.

Option #2

End the relationship with full disclosure. This will likely ruin our friendship but my guilt will be more manageable, and she will be allowed to make an informed decision.

By choosing the first option, I am trying to shelter our friendship and her emotions. However, it doesn't actually improve the situation. I will still be a liar. I will still be miserable. She will still be oblivious to Husband's indiscretions.

There is no virtue in my silence, only suffering.

September 9, 2011

Forgive Me, Girlfriend, For I Have Sinned

About 4 years ago, I met a married couple at a local munch. Wife was a kinky vanilla and Husband was a full-on kinkster. We enjoyed each other's company and casual friendship.

They were people I came to admire and even revere. While we all had a mutual attraction for each other, our friendship was pretty platonic aside from one sexual experience Wife and I shared that was facilitated and attended by Husband but in which he did not directly participate.

I moved out of state and we lost touch. When I moved back a year later, we reconnected and reestablished our old friendship. We discovered that in the interim, we had all decided to explore poly. (That is to say, it was a decision they made as a couple and I made by myself in the year that had passed).

After many long discussions between the three of us about expectations and such- together and separately - we agreed to enter into a romantic relationship. My relationship with Husband was D/s and my relationship with Wife was mostly vanilla, each with their own set of agreements.

So all was fine and dandy for about two months. And then...

I realized Husband was a very selfish and manipulative man. He took advantage of my trust and my submission by asking me to compromise my integrity and my relationship with Wife several times during our time together. The most egregious example:

Early in the relationship, sex often involved the 3 of us together. Then, Wife came to us and said: while she didn't mind Husband and I having sex, she was having a hard time witnessing and taking part in it. So she proposed that I suspend my sexual relationship with both of them as she recovered and readjusted emotionally. Though, I was still free to have sex with others during that time (my relationships with them were never expected to be sexually exclusive).

We continued to bond and grow close in that time.