September 25, 2011

Confess, That Ye May Be Healed

I wrote a letter.

On the very useful and insightful advice of several members on FetLife (see the discussions here and here ), I wrote a letter to Wife explaining that my withdrawal from our relationship over the past few months was not in response to anything she had done and that I had not been entirely truthful about my break-up with Husband. I expressed my remorse in lying to her and the reasons why I chose not to tell her. I stated my very strong, negative emotions towards him and that past interactions between him and I are the cause of it. I shared my decision to withhold the details unless she explicitly requested to hear them, which I would provide to her, alone and without Husband.

I told her my truth.

She has always wanted to hear the truth (and she always told the truth), even when it hurt. I informed her of the transgressions and how I believe his behavior is ongoing. I proclaimed my love for her but that my attitude towards her husband is so incredibly toxic that I can no longer be with her, both to give me time to heal and to avoid putting her in a more awkward position.

I disclosed until I had nothing left.

Very quietly, she listened. When she finally did speak, her voice sounded solemn and wearied, as though it endured a long and difficult journey from within her. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t tell me she loved me. She said she suspected as much and thanked me for telling her.

I feel lost.

I was expecting more of a reaction. I wanted more of a reaction. I wanted her to tell me how I hurt her or that I was courageous or to yell or cry or something, anything. But none of that happened.I gave her a lot to process and I feel terrible having to be the one to have done it, yet I don’t regret my decision.

I miss her.

She sent me a friend request from her new FetLife account. She has joined a group for divorcees. That’s the extent of our contact since the end of our relationship. I want to check on her to see if she’s ok and to offer my support but I’m not sure if it’ll do either of us any good.

I hurt for myself and I hurt for her.

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