October 19, 2011


Kare was always supportive of the time Wife and I spent together. Once, I remember Wife unexpectedly showed up at an event. He made it a point to give us space and let us spend that entire time together, without me even asking. During the evening, I went to check on him to make sure he wasn't feeling neglected. After assuring me that he was fine and having a good time with our friends, he damn near pushed me back over to Wife, reminding me that she and I rarely get time together and insisting that I take advantage of such an opportunity. Best. Boyfriend. Ever.

Kare identifies as monogamous. I am his first polyamorous partner. He and I started dating during the last six months of my year and a half relationship with Wife. By that time, she and I were only seeing each other about once a month due to schedule conflicts and my issues with Husband (Forgive Me, Girlfriend, For I Have Sinned). During that time, since Kare and I live very close to each other, we had the luxury of spending every day together and sleeping over every night. Our relationship was less affected than usual by my other relationship, which means we both had it easy.

Recently, I mentioned to Kare that I would eventually like to start dating again and what his feelings are regarding that. I explained that since the tail-end of my last relationship looked much different than the beginning (which he didn't experience), I needed to know what he was comfortable with during this process. While he believes he will be ok with it, he pointed out that he's never been in this position before and is uncertain of how he will actually react. Fair enough.

In the meantime, we were able to figure out a few things:

  • I informed him of how I structure my poly relationships and how I function within them (which I will share, in detail, in future entries), giving each of us the opportunity to share our preferences and voice our concerns.
  • He is unsure of whether he would want to pursue other relationships in the future. I am ok whether he does or not.
  • We agree to make each other aware of potential new partners before anything more sexual than kissing occurs or before we become significantly emotionally involved beyond friendship, whichever comes first.
  • We had another discussion on safer sex practices and what we expected from each other. Since we are fluid-bonded (and tested regularly), it is very important to both of us that these boundaries are clear to us and all future sexual partners.
  • I reminded him that it is each of our responsibility to let the other know where we are emotionally - both in our relationship and the relationships we have with others - and that it's important that we update each other regularly. (We're both really good at doing these things, but it never hurts to restate it during a period of transition.)
  • We agree that nothing is set in stone and that we can discuss (and possibly change) our agreements if needed.

I had many more questions for him (ie: veto power on potential new partners; or sleepovers with other partners) but since he is unsure of his needs/concerns regarding them, we agreed to address them as they arise. (This makes me slightly uncomfortable. I am much more proactive in my approach to these things and like to address them before they become problems, if possible. However, he prefers to deal with problems as they arise, particularly if he is inexperienced with the situation at hand. We often frustrate each other in this regard. I find that a healthy compromise is periodic status updates and honest communication. That way I'm not caught off-guard when something does become a problem and he doesn't have to guess at his reactions to hypotheticals.)

Time to roll those dice.

October 16, 2011

Cunning Linguist

To aid in the transition of taking my relationship from a non-D/s to a D/s with my boyfriend, I composed a list of questions regarding bdsm to make sure we have similar expectations and goals for such a relationship.

I figured the first step in this endeavor is to ensure that we are using the same language since it is not unusual for a word's meaning to differ from one person to the next. My first assignment for both of us is to define general roles within bdsm relationships. (Something I haven't done since I first started exploring bdsm 5 years ago, so it was interesting for me to compare and contrast now with then.)  Next, we will discuss the terms more thoroughly to make sure we are on the same page and/or find any compromises needed to get us on the same page, which may or may not be possible depending on our opinions. If we find that we are not compatible in a D/s, we agree to leave our relationship as it is since it has worked very well for us so far.

My definitions are below. (This is how I plan on presenting them to Kare so some of the verbiage may reflect that):

[Note: I realize there is more than one way to define these terms. These are my definitions and how I relate to them. They apply to no person's relationship(s) except my own.]

How do you define the general roles within bdsm?

multiple definitions separated with semi-colon ( ; )

Top/bottom - applies to kinksters giving/receiving (respectively) within a scene that contains little to no non-physcial power exchange, generally permissions do not extend outside of the scene ; a kinkster that enjoys giving/receiving during a scene but not outside of play ; used as a basic or general label for players

D-types  (Master/Domina/Owner/Daddy/etc. all are different titles for a D-type) - applies to Tops who desire the power exchange dynamic involved in dominance and submission ; exercises the negotiated amount of control within a power exchange that usually extends beyond a scene, the amount of control exercised covers a broad spectrum from minimal to Total Power Exchange (TPE) ; used as a general term for those that desire to exercise control in a power exchange

s-types (submissive/slave/pet/property/etc.) - applies to bottoms who desire the power exchange dynamic involved in dominance and submission ; relinquishes the negotiated amount of control within a power exchange that usually extends beyond a scene, the amount of control relinquished covers a broad spectrum from minimal to TPE ; used as a general term for those that desire to relinquish control in a power exchange

Switch - a kinkster whose role is fluid and can be comfortable as the D-type, s-type, Top, or bottom (whichever applies to the person)

Sadist/Masochist - enjoys giving/receiving pain (respectively) and does not refer to any type of power exchange, meaning either can manifest in D-types, s-types, Tops, or bottoms

Notice that I've lumped all D-types together and all s-types together. That is how I view the roles. Titles such as Master, Domina, Owner, etc are variations of the same role. For me, Dom/sub or Master/slave are relationship dynamics and are determined by the amount of power exchange present in the relationship. (Relationship dynamics are what I would like us to define next, but for now let‘s focus on the roles.) If you believe that Dominant or Master or submissive or slave, etc are distinct and should be defined on their own, by all means do that. It will offer insight into your view of the roles and will give us a more honest starting point in our search for common ground. There are no right or wrong answers here. However, I expect you to be able to present your definitions to me in clear and definitive terms as I have done.

Of course, a person's views are rarely ever static and these definitions may change for us over time, in which case, we can revisit them together.

Today, this is how I view these roles. What are your views today?

October 11, 2011

Warrior Submissive

In an attempt to loosely define what I want my D/s to look like with Kare, I've taken the last few months to intellectually explore female Dominant/male submissive relationships. (Kare is roughly pronounced Kah-reh. It is Japanese for boyfriend. I thought it a fitting nickname for him in my journal since he is half Japanese.)

On FetLife, I came across a lovely entry by Ladyservant titled Warrior Submissive. It is a perspective on male submission that has left an impression on me and is certain to influence my future D/s relationship.

Here it is, reposted with permission:

I've given a lot of though lately to what submission means to me, I actually don't like the word at all because at least for me it carries implied meanings which don't fit. However I haven't been able to come up with another word that works for communicating my intentions accurately. I've fought my submissiveness all my life not wanting to give into it for fear of losing my power. The idea of being disempowered and weak disgusts me. I've been a warrior most of my life which has included spending time in the military as a soldier, practicing martial arts and living a warrior based spirituality. That has always seemed to be in conflict with my deep reverence and irresistible desire to worship, serve and surrender to Women.

I began to resolve this conflict in the last few years cultivating a personal relationship with the Goddess or the Divine Feminine and seeing what I worship in Women is also something within me. However Women embody it in a way that I cannot (at least not in this life) and so serving and worshiping them is something that is beyond kinky play or pleasure (which is good ;), its true worship for me. The other thing I realized in this process is that I do not have to be weak or disempowered to be a submissive. Submissive is just a word, it doesn't have one single meaning for everyone.

For me the act of submitting to a Woman is as I said an act of worship. The prerequisite for submission in my life is that I live my life fearlessly, with courage and strength and even a fierceness. Its easy to get carried away with this attitude and have it be nothing but ego which wrecks ones life, just look at our society. The amazing thing is that when I come into contact with Women that are living as empowered dominant Goddesses, I am humbled. Their power and beauty and wisdom naturally make me fall to my knees in worship. Then serving them is a total act of joy. There is a particular power that Women carry which after everything I've seen and experienced in my life is the greatest power I can imagine. So submission is an act of empowerment and courage for me because when one is at their greatest strength the most fearless act just might be to surrender to a greater power. Women carry the power of life itself, the formless cradle of creation which has been called the Goddess among other things.

For me their is no greater act of a warrior than to serve the Goddess.

While I don't believe in Female Supremacy (or any type of supremacy based on gender, ethnicity, nationality, etc) as this article somewhat suggests, what I do like about it is the insight  into male submission. Many people - both outside and inside the kink community - tend to view male submissives as less than masculine. They are often portrayed as weak and insecure at best or incapable and pathetic at worst. It disgusts me that a man who would choose to submit is often assumed to be less of a man than his "alpha" counterparts.

This article dislodges those stigmas. This male submissive is a gentleman, a soldier, a protector and a provider. He is proud and functioning and capable. He is empowered through his submission and not ashamed to express the awe and respect he has for the deserving women around him.

I dig it.

October 5, 2011

Trading Places

I have been part of my local bdsm community for nearly 6 years and HAD identified as submissive that entire time. After leaving a D/s relationship that was wrong for me, I started dating a guy (we've been together 7 months) who has turned my kinky little world upside down! It is through him that I have discovered my joy for Topping.

I have always been more of the leader in our relationship and recently he confessed that he would like to enter into a more formal D/s relationship together (with me as the D-type), an idea that I am thrilled about! These roles are new to both of us (he's never been in a D/s relationship before) so we plan on tentatively taking steps to move the relationship in that direction.

I'm still transitioning and trying to redefine my role for myself and those around me. However, I am confused and unsure of myself in either role now and the whole damn thing can be frustrating.

I plan on carefully structuring the dynamic as we go along, which intially felt uncouth to me. However, after seeking advice from more experienced D-types, the general consensus seems to be that trial and error and communication are good ways to find out what works in the relationship... so my instincts have me headed in the right direction! Knowing this, I am slowly gaining more confidence in my approach. (Also, I now realize that when I was the s in the D/s, it didn't seem like such a blind (or scary) endeavor because I was following the D. I find this to be an interesting bit of insight.)

My reality is not quite your fantasy...

(Note: If you want to view the FetLife threads that I started on the topic, you can find them here: Education and Guidance of a Submissive ; Femdom Group ; ClubFem - Females Enslaving Males ; Training of a Dominant ; Ask a Dominant Questions ; BDSM mentors. There have been some very interesting comments shared if you care to have a look.)