February 16, 2012

Your Opinion Doesn't Matter

I am always a bit surprised to see people in the kink, poly, and other sex-positive communities proclaim that someone else is “doing it wrong” or isn’t a “real” or “true” so-and-so simply because the other approach doesn’t corroborate their own.

I have seen the term ‘vanilla’ used as an insult and monogamy looked down on as being limiting or less enlightened. I have seen sex workers, like pro-doms and escorts, denigrated and treated as lepers because of their choice in profession. These experiences are invalid because you (the universal ‘you‘) assume your way is the proper way.

Isn’t that what most of us experience from the mainstream? We are often invalidated and ostracized for what happens between consenting adults.

So what makes it acceptable when you do it? Who are you to define the identity and experiences of others?

Does anyone else recognize the hypocrisy in this?

I have shed a lot of guilt imposed upon me by social conditioning regarding the things that bring me happiness and pleasure as well as a lot of my own judgments towards others by making a conscious effort to recalibrate my thinking. Because of my “unconventional” desires in love, sex and relationships, over the years, I have learned to frame my choices as well as the choices of others in terms of 'consensual' and 'nonconsensual' rather than “right way” or “wrong way.” In the process, I have gained a whole new understanding and value in the experiences of others, even when those experiences involve terms to which I wouldn’t personally agree.

So consider this my public service announcement. When it comes to how others choose to enjoy sex, experience love and structure their relationships YOUR OPINION DOESN'T MATTER.

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