May 26, 2012

Suck My Cockiness, Lick My Persuasion

Last year, Kare and I decided that we would begin negotiations to establish a power exchange relationship. However, due to his demands at work, we decided to shelf the idea until the summer.

Now that summer is practically here, Kare has brought up the idea again. The only problem is... I don't think I want to go through with it. Or, more accurately, I don't think I want to go through with it with him. As wonderful and accommodating and acquiescent of a boyfriend as Kare is, he would make a terrible submissive for me - and I have a year's worth of evidence to support this statement.

  • My first assignment was for each of us to define how we view the roles commonly found within bdsm. It was a fairly simple and practical assignment. He wasn't required to write anything down and the definitions didn't require any research. The information was to be taken from his own understanding and beliefs on the topic. As I thoroughly explained to him, this assignment was meant to be a way to understand what each of us was asking going into negotiations to ensure that we were speaking the same language. And he didn't do it.
  • Kare has a few bad habits that frequently frustrate him and effect him negatively to the point that he has asked me to help him make improvements. For example, he is a terrible procrastinator. He'll stay up until 2am (when he has to be to work at 7am) doing work that should only take him 2 hours (at most) because instead of being productive, he is dicking around on his computer. I have gone so far as to offer to split his work with him to cut down on actual work time for him significantly. All he has to do is work on it before I go to bed, which is generally between 10pm and 11pm. I will remind him several times throughout the evening of my offer to help (as well as his request for my help), the advancing hour, and my upcoming bed time. To this, I am usually met with one of three reactions from him: superficial excuses, visible annoyance, or I am brushed off entirely. (Mind you, he asked this of me.)

These behaviors show me that he is not ready or not interested in the type of power exchange relationship that I would like to pursue. Based on his actions, I am under the impression that he wants all of the fun/play and none of the work required. This saddens me because I would be thrilled to share a meaningful bdsm relationship with someone that I love so much. But his blatant disregard for me in this context triggers highly negative emotions in me including hurt, disrespect, disgust, and resentment.

So, I guess when we actually move to talk about this I will share my observations with him and, instead, suggest that we limit our bdsm interactions to within temporary and defined scenes (play), with minimum to no power exchange involved. This has been our set up in the past and, while it's not as encompassing and, in some ways, less fulfilling for me, it still meets some needs. It will still allow us to connect on this intimately kinky level, it provides both of us with a certain release and, for me, it will provide practice as a Top.

If he is interested in a power exchange relationship, I will encourage him to search for someone more compatible for him in this regard since I want to see him fulfilled and happy on his own kinky terms. It is an option I plan to keep open for myself as well.

(Note: If you want to view the FetLife threads that I started on the topic, you can find them here: Submissive men and the women who love them ; Ask a Dominant Questions ; Femdom Group. There have been some very interesting comments shared if you care to have a look.)

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